This article is part of our Rebound & Rant series.
Recently, my neighbors (other dull, middle-aged white guys) accused me of being too serious about fantasy sports. I reminded them it was my suggestion to make our league trophy a giant pantless drunk elf – all the better for displaying on our mantels. They acquiesced, we toasted and watched the Celtics lose in OT.
So with the need for taking a lighter view of fantasy sports in mind, it's time for what might become the annual "Ha Ha" edition of the Rebound & Rant. Warning: today's submission might be lighter than usual on actual fantasy hoops advice, if that is indeed possible. But I digress. Let's all just relax for about twenty minutes and forget about free agent pick-ups to enjoy these somewhat random observations.
Awesome Possum Hair
I'd argue that both Iman Shumpert and (9.5 points per game, 3.3 assists per game) and Elfrid Payton (38% shooting and 6.8 ppg) have been fantasy disappointments this season. And now Shumpert is out for three weeks. But DAMN, both Payton and Shumpert sport some awesome bouffants! Seriously, check out their fabulous follicles:
Please use the comments below to vote on the better 'do. I think I give the slight nod to Elfrid.
Stan Van Gundy Melt Down Watch
How do we make "coaching explosions" a fantasy stat? And, frankly, why isn't the slightly rotund Stan Van Gundy freaking out more as he drives the 4-19 Pistons into the ground? This team is retched. How about a full meltdown, SVP?
How bad are the Pistons you ask? Starters Josh Smith, Brandon Jennings and Kentavious Caldwell-Pope are each shooting 38 percent from the field. Yes, THREE starters are shooting 38 percent. In the name of all that's unholy, the Pistons lost to the 76ers. Greg Monroe, who is allegedly 6-11, is averaging 0.2 blocks per game. Seriously, 0.2!?! Do his arms not go above his head?
So, why has the famously loud and overly-honest SVP not gone ballistic yet? He is the king of the fabulous press conference meltdown. I want some serious wiggage and I want it now! This is WAY TOO CALM after losing to Philly:
I need far more exclamation points!!! You lost to PHILLY, their second win in 20 games! There are chunks in my stool that could beat the Sixers. I need more "UP! UP! UP!" and "YOU GOTTA GET PHYSICAL!":
What is a Spur-gasm®©?
Like the ancient sexual mysteries of the Kama Sutra, many readers (my neighbor Stan and Omar from Brooklyn) have asked me to elaborate on the meaning of "Spur-gasm®©". (Note the registration AND copywrite sign, a legal first. An army of RotoWire legislative minions are legally protecting the term within a multitude of municipalities. Do not funk with the RotoWire Legal Staff.) While I'm shocked that the eloquent usage of "Spur-gasm®©" in my prior column wasn't explanation enough, I will elaborate. A "Spur-gasm®©" is the guttural noise and lower tingling you feel when the San Antonio Spurs make not only the extra pass, but then 10 more passes so that vertically-challenged Boris Diaw can casually flip in a left-handed layup while eating a jambon-and-fromage crepe. It's when you draft Tim Duncan in round six because the other punks in your league think he's "old". It's when Tony Parker decides Eva Longoria isn't attractive enough. It's when coach Gregg Popovich talks about books and the handsomeness of Rajon Rondo (4:38) in a press conference, which happened last week:
SIDE NOTE: My 14-year-old son wants to contribute to the Ha Ha issue. He says "What do you call a basketball player that needs to pee? Bill Rush-ell". Not bad, certainly not bad by R&R standards. [Editor's note: I can confirm this.]
Who Has Skills?
Like that neighbor who loves to host lavish parties and has a pill problem, the NBA is good at cross-promotion. I find this John Wall and Liam Neeson ad very amusing. It would be even more amusing if the Knicks actually had any skills or could defend anyone. I think while they filmed this, Samuel Dalembert was napping through practice:
Instead of "Muse", Maybe Call it "Keep Looking At ME!"
Kobe Bryant, he of the 25.5 points per game but also the 39 percent field goal percentage, has decided he doesn't get enough press coverage. So he's putting out a movie. Seriously. Does his raging egomania know no bounds? How can people cheer for this cretin, the Voldemort of the NBA?
And isn't it comical that after demanding a contract that makes it almost impossible for the Lakers to sign other high-quality players, he then decides to go on a famous " you guys are soft like Charmin" rant towards his teammates at practice? Kobe Bryant has turned into the 36-year ex-cheerleader who was hot in high school, but is now finishing up her second divorce. If only he would chain smoke and wear short skirts. If only, indeed. Somewhere in NYC or Montana, Phil Jackson is laughing his yoga robe off, but then returns to weeping as he refocuses on his Knicks.
Here is the trailer for Bryant's nauseating diatribe of self-worship:
Well, well, what started as an attempt to be lighthearted and happy-go-lucky turned into a self-righteous spraying of venom. Loyal readers Stan, Omar and Jaredk12, my deepest apologies. Please now return to your regular fantasy analysis. And, as always, please post your fantasy questions below…someone should get something out of this. Peace out!
